Just Me

2010-09-08T22:21:00.001-07:00

Alright, I missed a few days because I was not around my computer. I had to deal with some personal stuff going on so my mind was else where. Although I should talk about it I don't feel that this is the place to do it. It is much too personal.

I ended up taking a nap today for 3 1/2 hours. Which of course didn't make me feel any better. I'm not sure why I was so sleepy but I just couldn't stay awake today. Of course I haven't been eating very well the last few days so I'm sure I just didn't have enough energy stored up but I really couldn't stay awake. Anyways, I woke up feeling worse and decided it was time to go grocery shopping and get food so that hopefully I will start eating more again. I used to go grocery shopping with my boyfriend and between the two of us we would spend around $75 and tonight shopping for one I spent $60. What the heck!? I don't even feel like I got anything good. I mean I got a little bit of everything but it still doesn't seem like much.

I was fairly productive today though. I what books I could for school and a few school supplies. Then I played with some cats that are up for adoption. I seem to go through a phase at least once a month where I go somewhere to play with animals. It gives me my fix and then I'm good for a while again. Unfortunately I can't have pets in my apartment so I just have to wait until I go back to my parent's house to be around their animals.

I'm not in a very thoughtful moment right now. I know that I want to expand on what I was talking about before about transitions in life but now just doesn't seem like the right time. So I guess for today you just had to hear about my boring, boring day.

Umm...shoot.

2010-09-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

So I actually planned on writing quite a bit today but as it is with my life nothing can be planned. College football started a few days ago and today is the UofO's first football game. So it is my duty that I go to a bar or some such place to watch it. Mind you, my boyfriend says he doesn't like college football yet this was his idea. And when I asked last month if he wanted to go to a game his response in more words than this was "Hell No. Why would I?" So rather than being at the stadium today I will be in a bar.

Anyways, I have to work after the game so I will not have time to write much more than this for today. However I should make note to myself to discuss transitions in life. And if you haven't been able to tell I am in a point of transition right now. So I will delve into this thought at a later time.

For now, GO DUCKS!

Another Morning has arrived

2010-09-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Well, school starts in a few weeks and I have mixed feeling about all of it. I am ready to be done with school. I want to move on from it and start working somewhere that I can make a difference. This is going to be a stressful year too. I can feel it. I need to be done this year so it will be all about taking as many classes as I need too as well as getting an internship. Honestly, I should have done the intern thing last year but I didn't adjust to Eugene as quickly or as well as I had hoped. So this is the final straw. I have to do it now.

This shouldn't be difficult for me to strive to do. I'm really not happy with what I am doing at this point in my life, so that right there should be motivation enough to change the situation. But of course I have been facing the need to change all summer and rather than change it I enjoyed it. Yeah, I just let everyday come and go however it wanted. I visited with friends, I saw my family, and I explored this place that will now be home for at least another year. Which is good. So, now it is time to make the changes when I will be in a nurturing atmosphere for it.

See this is where my mixed feelings about school come in. As I said earlier I am ready for it to be over with but at the same school is home and comforting for me. I mean with the exception of one year I have been going to school for about 19 years. I know what is expected of me and I am content with it. But when I am done with my Bachelor's degree it will be time for a break. A much needed break. And then I will probably end up going back.

Honestly though. Who knows what will happen.....

To Whom It May Concern...

2010-09-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

I need to start writing more. Of course I say this every few weeks, months, sometimes days but with school coming up I know that it will happen whether I like it or not.

Really, I need to start writing about my life, my goals, what I want in my future but I know there will be papers to write and books to read soon enough. So it is today (my sister's birthday) that I devote myself to writing everyday for the next 25 days. I will not put a limit of time or length on each day because that is a recipe for disaster as far as I am concerned. It will be just about writing what is on my mind, because there is always a lot on my mind. Who knows maybe this will last longer and that is alright with me but at this point a small achievable goal is exactly what I need and one that will only benefit me in the long run.

Today though, nothing specific has been on my mind. It was a day off and I ended up running errands, paying bills, grocery shopping :( so my mind was entertained enough. Although Eddie and I did play a Wii game this morning and I have learned that I do not have the hand-eye coordination for that shit. Now that I am older I understand why I didn't like video games when I was younger. I suck at them. My whole body moves with the controller making myself look like a fool and then I ended up dying anyways so really what is the point. And you know what, I am okay with that. I can handle the Wii Fit and that is the extent to which I will use the gaming system.

That is the extent to which I will allow myself to think for the day. Off to read a book while football consumes my boyfriend.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my sister! Love you!

A whole new world...well sort of.

2009-10-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a month since I moved to Eugene. It feels like it has been longer than that which probably means that I am settling fairly well. I am getting used to being on my own. The hardest part is coming home to an empty house. I need a plant or a fish. I was going to pick an orchid that my complex has out by where I park but I wasn't sure how well that would go over. And of course someone else picked them. They are all gone. They were really pretty too.
Anyways, classes are going fairly well. Spanish is the hardest for me and it's not that it is too difficult it's just a matter of spending the time to learn the vocabulary. I got a 95% on my statistics exam. That made me happy because I am really enjoying that class.

I went to a show tonight called "Mixed" by Maya Lilly performed by Christina Mosses. It was a really interesting one woman show that portrayed these nine characters. The characters are fiction and non-fiction based on over 200 interviews that Maya Lilly did with people of mixed ethnicity. I enjoyed hearing about such a 'hush-hush' topic and watching Christina Mosses perform. She did an amazing job getting into each character and really expressing the pain that they felt. I suppose that it also made me look at my own identity which kind of made me a little frustrated and annoyed that I don't really know anything about my own ethnicity. And the identity I have, was created in predominately white areas so I have little to know experience with diversity in either ethnicity or general ideas that people have. The people in my life are more like myself than I have realized which has given me a very narrow idea about the world. So throughout all of this, I have decided that I need to move away from small towns after I graduate. I need to submerge myself in a completely different culture than what I have known here in the greater Northwest. I think it will not only help me as a person but also help me in the work that I want to do. Eugene is probably a good stepping stone for that but that is all that it is. A stepping stone. There is so much for me to learn and some places are better than others for that.

Anyways, between work and school I am staying pretty busy. Hanging out with a few friends that I have made. I will try to update more often but no promises on that. :)

Quick Update

2009-09-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

I am headed for the great unknown called Eugene. I have been accepted to the University of Oregon and I will be moving at the end of the month. It is such an exciting time in my life because it will be the first time that I am really on my own. I have done the whole moving out with my boyfriend thing but I always end up right back at my parents house. I have been approved to move into a 1 bedroom/1 bath apartment but I have to go view it on Tuesday...hopefully I like it. Who am I trying to fool, I will take anything at this point. So yeah. I will probably crash on Ann's couch for a week and then move into the new place the second week of school. It's going to be a crazy, hectic first few weeks of school. I really just want to get over there and get this show on the road. So wish me luck on that part of my life!!

The other exciting part of my life is that I am dating someone again. It's moving really fast with us but he is the best man that I have ever dated. (yeah that sentence sounds kind of weird). He lives in Yelm which is 270 miles away or a 5 hour drive. I never imagined being able to handle a long distance relationship but it is actually working out kind of well. He has a seven year old daughter so it gives him time to be able to focus on her, and me time to focus on school and what I want to achieve in life. Don't get me wrong, some days are extremely hard. But it is making this one of the strongest relationships I have had. There is so much more communication involved in this relationship, which is different than any other that I have had.
Yep, that is the quick update of my life at the moment. I will try to keep up on this a little bit more, key word "try."

Car Rides.

2009-03-05T21:57:00.000-08:00

For those who don't know, I live 30 miles from Bend and this is where all the action is. I go to school in Bend, I work in Bend, all my friends are in Bend. So it turns out that I drive to Bend at the very least six days out of the week. And most of the time it's everyday. Anyways, this gives me a lot of time to think and when I say a lot, I really mean A LOT!!!! The bad part of this is that I can't write down what I am thinking, and what I am thinking about are really liberating subjects. I am attending a course call Race, Class, & Ethnicity. I swear that with every book we have read and every lecture I have attended, that I feel more knowledgeable about our society and exactly how much it influences everyone's lives.

We have recently been talking about racism and it's amazing how Whites have such an advantage over minorities and we, or at least I, don't realize it. I am currently working on a paper for my research writing class and the topic I chose is about how class affects health and education as well as how the media represents the different class levels. And as I started exploring this topic more and more, I noticed that race has just as large of an affect as class does. Basically that they go hand in hand in some if not most cases. As my professor explained tonight, sociologists can't just choose one to look at, that gender, race, and class are all dependent on each other and affect one another.
The book that we read that talks about racism is called "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" by Beverly Daniel Tatum. This book only skims the subject of racism but it is written with experiences that help to relate the issues to the audience. Tatum also brings up the fact that Whites need to go through a similar process of racial identity that people of color experience. This book is a good quick read and I recommend everyone take at least a look at it and especially if they are a parent or are going to be. The first five chapters focus on children and adolescents and their experiences with racial identity.

Before I quite my rant about how liberated I feel after being apart of this class I wanted to point out an observation I had while reading this book. On page 146, Tatum talks about how in the 1940's and 1950's, the "federal Indian policy shifted again, this time with the goal of terminating the official relationship between the Indian nations and the U.S. government." She goes on to say that many Indians were relocated to to urban areas like that had been earlier in history. So what strikes me as odd, is that a similar situation had happened in the past where all of the Native American's children were taken from them, this resulted in a lot of lost culture as well as children having an unstable childhood which leads into unstable adulthood. So my point here, is that it's amazing that we believe we are doing what is right at the time, but when we look back on history we are ashamed at what we have done. We repeated a similar process that didn't work in the first time so why would it work a second. So in 50 years am I going to look back and be ashamed of what I voted for, believing that it was right no matter what the issue at hand is? Who knows. But I am hoping that by getting my education and staying informed on our country and government that I will be able to help reverse this, that I won't allow history to repeat itself in a way that does harm to any race, gender, or class.

Just a quick one.

2009-03-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to get this on here because it has been forever since I got my tattoo and it needs to be shared with the world.
The message behind it is to not take anything for granted no matter how small it is. I miss Wilber so much but I know that he had a great life and it was time for him to move on, but this tattoo is just a reminder of how much he really affected my life. Hope you like it!

New Start

2009-03-01T09:29:00.001-08:00

So this morning I want to the Natural Mind Dharma Center here in Bend. It's the second time I have been and I am fascinated by it. I am writing a paper on Buddhism for my Sociology of Religion class but I can tell that my interest for Buddhism will exceed beyond this paper.
I have never thought of myself as a religious person, and I still don't think that I really am, but for this moment in my life I am thinking that this is what I need. Buddhism isn't just a religion but it is a different way to think of life. I have not gotten far on this paper, nor have I even started it because we all know that I procrastinate, but it is definitely something I will continue to pursue.
Anyways, Other than school and work there isn't much else going on. I applied at UofO and haven't heard to much back from them and I also applied at the OSU Cascade campus here in Bend and of course haven't heard anything back on that either. Oh well, as soon as spring break hits I will get more focused on that situation in life. I have a lot due all within the next few weeks. Mostly just two somewhat large papers but they will get done.
I have been seeing someone, well kind of. I'm not exactly sure what I want in a relationship right now but he is a positive piece in life.
My parents are going up to Washington for a few days. I am excited to have the house to myself. I miss living on my own and really need a few days to unwind before finals begin.
Alright, I have to go do this paper. Wish me Luck!

Not really sure.

2009-01-27T21:05:00.001-08:00

So I really don't know where I am going with this blog. I usually have something that I want to talk about but that isn't the case tonight. The swelling on my left cheek is going down slowly but my right cheek is still pretty big and bruising a little bit. But hopefully it will be gone soon enough.

I turned in my research proposal for my research writing class. I am so relieved that it is done and turned in. I don't have to freak out about that for a while. Of course we get it back and can revise it if we want, but for now it is done. I know that I have been on pain medication for a few days but even before that it always seems like my brain is in a fog when I start to do school work. Nothing ever seems to be clear and I don't seem to retain it as well as I should, or at least I think I should. It becomes frustrating when you did well in high school but can't seem to make sense of what you are learning in college. Looking back now, I wish I would have done running start in high school. The friendships I made during that time are irreplaceable but at the same time, I am struggling now because I wasn't pushed when I should have been.

I find it hardest to be on the computer doing homework and not having a messenger window open as well. It's ridiculous how addicting it can become and how I can't focus because I am thinking that I need to be on it. I'm guessing if I practice self control and devote my time more appropriately, the fogginess will start to clear a little bit. I don't want to just glide through these classes, I want to learn and retain this information to use later.

2009-01-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

Well I got my wisdom teeth out today. All four at once. I think that was the best choice. I'm not a huge fan of not being able to eat what/when I want to, so yeah. I never realized how much of a control freak I am in that part of my life. OH and they told me I couldn't have dairy for the first 24 hours which I didn't think would bother me but I was kind of upset about it. A glass of cold milk is what I need sometimes and of course ice cream, which I have tons of in the freezer. Oh well, I guess tomorrow will come soon enough. I asked to keep my teeth. Everytime someone brought that up they just had this funny look on their face. Eh, oh well. They are really mine so why wouldn't I want them. I'll take pics and post them tomorrow. There isn't too much swelling in my cheeks. It's bearable.
Alright. Enough ranting. I'll do better tomorrow.

January 16th, 2009 10:21 a.m.

2009-01-16T10:51:00.000-08:00

This probably isn't the best thing to start blogging with again but it is important to me.

I have had...a few dogs in my life. We haven't really gone long without one or at least not that I remember. The problem though is that they have always died from being hit by a car. You would think I would have learned early on that they need to be tied up but I never thought they really wanted to be. They couldn't run around with me then. So here I am with Wilbur. My aunt had him before giving him to my mother and I. I remember her having him when I was 10, so that means he is at least 12 years old but I think he is closer to 14 or 15.

He has had a full filling life. He was mated with another Shit-zu and had beautiful puppies and as far as I know, he has never really been neglected. He is the type of dog that isn't especially cuddily but he does like to be near people.

So my situation is that I don't know how to cope with putting him to sleep. Everyone says that it is his time to go, that he lived a good life, and/or that I would be selfish to make him suffer the way he is. But really? He is part of the family. I don't just put my father to sleep because his neck bothers him.

Ok. Ok. So I don't want him to suffer anymore and everyday he gets slower and more deaf, blind and all around worse but he is my little man. I took him in today to be put to sleep. The idea was that I would take him in alone. I figured my dad would try to come with but I am glad that he didn't. Seeing my father cry is hard because then I know it is bad and I know if I am around my step mother we will both be crying nonstop. I think I did well though. I didn't really start to cry until he looked at me right before he went to sleep. And he really did sleep for a while. He was snoring more like Brutus than himself. The tears that I cried though were ones that I know have been building up from just seeing him suffer. But everytime we would start to consider putting him to sleep, he would perk back up and be fine again. It got to a point that he would couldn't hear or see us he would just look in the direction that he thought he should. It was the right thing to do.

Well. I can only hope that if I get to a point where I can't see, hear and have no idea where I am, that someone will give me one last good mean and put me down to rest.

School Starts!

2009-01-04T22:33:00.000-08:00

School Starts tomorrow. I think for the first time in my three years of college, I don't have a class everyday. I only have classes on Tuesday and Thursday. However, I do have a night class on Thursday. :( Not sure how that is going to go. Getting out of class at 9:15 PM! doesn't sound like a cup of tea for me.
Anyways, I love the start of classes. New pens, paper, books, HIGHLIGHTERS, my Planner...what more do I need to say? I am taking three classes this term. Sociology of Religion, Race Class & Ethnicity, and Writing. I am stoked for the Sociology classes, writing...not so much. It's not that I really hate it, I am just not confident in it. I know, I need to get used to it if a social science is my goal. There is one really nice thing about classes only two days a week, I get to sleep in the other days. I'm probably not going to be scheduled for work until 4:00pm most of the days, so I will have time to sleep, do homework, and hopefully start running again. :)
Check out my Planner! It's color Coded. (Let's see how long this lasts)

I have started my applications for a few colleges. UofO and OSU (in bend). It's strange that I really don't want to work on them. I don't like the idea of being rejected by a college or the fact that I am really going to need to move on from Bend and away from the parentals. I am ready to move and be on my own, but it's a lot of change all at once. (sigh) I will move on though. Everything will work out.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T20:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am sitting at home writing on my blog rather than out partying. Oh well. Home is always inviting. I hope that everyone has a good New Year.

A day of Rememberance.

2008-12-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

December 29, 2007

I don't think that I will forget the significance of this day. First off, it is my fathers birthday. Now that he has hit fifty, we have started counting backwards. So today he turned 44. What an old man. I will be freaked out when we are the same age.

The more memorable significance for this day is that a friend of mine from high school passed away. I would love to believe that we were really close and to an extent we were when I was still in high school. I was happy and also a little sad when I started recieving texts today about him. It made me happy that I wasn't the only one who misses him. I am happy that he had so many people who loved and cared about him. Although I wasn't there for him when things were hard, I hope that he knows I still think about him all the time. Not just on this day.

R.I.P. Brian.

Not Yet.

2008-12-28T20:14:00.000-08:00

No I haven't given up on this blog thing, not yet anyways. My mind has just been going in to many places at once. The parentals bought me a puzzle for christmas and the first thing I did was set it up in my bedroom. After falling asleep trying to work on it I decided I should put it away and finish up somethings I have already started. This cleared up some space in my room which is a good thing because a friend of mine also got me a present for Christmas.

His name is Guapo.
I'm not sure that this picture does justice to just how big he is. He pretty much took up more room in my car than I do. Anyways, he is a good addition to the room. Makes me smile when I see him. Oh and he drives one of my dogs crazy. It's hilarious.
School starts in a week and in so many ways I am ready for it. My mind needs a break from work again. I'm excited to get my books tomorrow. I'm not sure why but I love getting my books, paper, and pens. It's just a good feeling for me. I think I get it from my mom and sister. I don't know. I started filling out college applications for UofO and OSU. They will get done in the next few days and then I have to send them money that I will never get back again. Oh well it's worth the money spent to make good money in the future.
I also went to Wal-Mart tonight and bought Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer. I am hoping that will give me incentive to finish Eclipse. I'm almost done with it and getting to the good part, I'm just finding it hard to want to sit down and read. Well I shall finish the rest of my rambiling some other time I suppose.

Another year.

2008-12-25T19:17:00.001-08:00

I'm usually not that excited about the New Year, but I'm excited for this one to be over with. Nothing horrible has happened, other than my sister having a stroke, but it just feels like it is time to be over with. A lot of times, waking up to a new day is good enough. It puts yesterday behind us even if it is good or bad. A new year opens the door to a fresh start. I guess I'm just looking forward to it.

Christmas.

2008-12-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure that it feels like Christmas this year. It has come a little too quickly and it feels like just another day. If anything I'm annoyed because I am bored and want to do something but there isn't anything open and no one to hang out with because they are gone visiting family or have family over. I know that this is probably just me ranting about my unhappiness but oh well.

I have however, been watching the first season of Bones. Mindlessness. I end up staying awake to late watching it but oh well. I enjoy it. The crocheting is going alright. I have a long strand going. It seems like it takes forever to get one row done. But I am enjoying it.

Much too long.

2008-12-20T22:46:00.000-08:00

Well I suppose wasn't a horrible day. No annoying customers and most everyone I work with was decent. I did however gain a headache. It started about three hours into my shift and stayed with me for the rest of the night. Now that I am home I think it's turned into a migraine. I took some headache medicine but it's one I know I am going to wake up with. So now I am dreading tomorrow and trying to figure out if I really can call in sick. I am sure there are enough people there. But knowing me I will feel too guilty and go in anyways.

I did have an up side to the day. I am pretty good friends with all of the security guards for our mall except one. He always just walks right through and hardly ever says anything to us. I finally got him to say hi to me when I am not busy but of course that just isn't good enough for me. He hasn't been working for a few weeks so when I saw him tonight of course I asked him where he has been...not the best idea. He tells Betsy and I that he had a couple of seizures. You should have seen my face. I was in shock. I felt like such an ass for asking, but I had no idea. Plus he is so quiet who would have guessed he would have told me the truth. Anyways, long story short, I got his phone number and I think we have a phone date tomorrow. And it's not that I am looking to date anyone but this guy just has me so interested just by being so quiet.

I'll try this...

2008-12-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

So my sister says I need to post one of these everyday for a month. No promises that there will be one here everyday, but I do promise to try.
So I pretty much just worked today but as long as Betsy is there it never seems as bad. We have gotten to the point where we can kind of read each others minds or at least faces. Some of the customers we deal with are just a little too much some times. We do have the customers that are make retail work enjoyable but the crazy customers usually out weigh them.

I have started a new hobby. I am pretty excited about it too. I went to the store a few days ago and bought some yarn and hook. I got online and started to crochet. I suppose it is going as well as can be expected. I am frustrated that I can't keep a consistent chain going. It is either too tight or too loose. There really isn't any in between. But I did learn something new. My step-mother knows how to crochet a little bit. She isn't as knowledgable as my mom or sister but she did show me a double stitch? if that's what it's called. It's always nice to learn something new about people you thought you already knew a lot about. I really hope that it is something that I enjoy enough to take time out of a busy schedule to work on it.

I am excited to get my christmas present this year. I guess it is going to be mailed in a few days so I probably won't get it on christmas. But what else is new? The same thing happened last year. Anyways, it's my own digital camera. The parentals have one that I could use but it's a little too fancy and I would have to carry it in it's case. That really doesn't work for me. I want one to just throw in my purse and have with me when I want it. There is probably going to be lots of pictures on here soon! I am excited!!
Alright. Well I always seem to get a little hyped up on sleeping pills before they actually kick in. And now they are starting to kick in. My typing for tonight is over. But I know what I want to talk about tomorrow night. :-)

Where to start.

2008-12-18T18:59:00.001-08:00

For a long time I have needed a place to just write down thoughts and when I started my computer class, we were told that we would be creating a blog. I figured this was the time to make use of it and start my own place for my thoughts. So I am happy to be done writing about how I think class is going and the latest technology news. It gets old after a while to write about things that don't relate to yourself or that you aren't that interested in.

I have never been able to tell anyone everything about me. I know that not everyone should know everything about me but the older I get, the more I keep to myself. I pick and choose who I want to tell what to. And although a select few know quite a bit about me, there are still things that I don't feel I can ever tell them. I am hoping that I will be able to open up more by writing my thoughts down. I mean I obviously won't put some things about me on here but just having a place to write anything will be nice.

So the most important thing in my life right now, is learning to create better habits. Since I was in the 7th grade I have been boy crazy. Between my friend Samantha and I, there was always someone we had a crush on (even if it was someone famous). I ended up being in relationships that I learned a lot from but also that I know weren't good for me. By being in these relationships, or at least a few of them, I gave up a lot of myself. I ended up wanting to meet their needs and not my own. I broke up with my last boyfriend, who was actually my fiance, in August and I haven't felt this good about being alone in a long time. I used to always worry about what he would think and what should be doing rather than what makes me happy. I got out of that relationship with the complete intention of making myself better for me. I still care about him but strictly as a friend. I will never let myself be blind sided like that again, to let myself go to take care of someone else.

So the better habit that I want to learn from these relationships, is to let myself grow as a person and become who I want to before I try to let someone else into my life. Although I do want to have a career and a family and the 'American Dream' I can wait. If I am not happy with myself then that whole life will suffer. And what's the point of living at that point.